Published July 19th, 2007
in excerpt, her and writing.
I’m at a loss for words. I don’t have anything to say. This has gone as far as it can go. I’ve toyed with my insides for long enough. The conclusion is what I imagined despite my lustful desires for the contrary . For a while I believed her and in her. Not anymore. Not before she lost faith in me. I have everything I started with and maybe a little more. I don’t have her and probably never could have. By my own inaction and complacency, I have trapped myself.
What was it I hoped for? Did I want to save her? Save myself with her?
She has changed and so have I. We are lost to each other. That much is certain, but I’ll never understand the reasons. I wanted to get close, but it was too close for her. I wanted to be open, but it was too much for me. This is a story that I’ll look back on as the years go by. This is a heartbeat that will resonate in my chest. I’ll leave bread crumbs scattered about, in hopes that she finds them and responds.
I don’t think she will. I can already see her as someone I once knew. I know her as someone I miss. She was that person whom is questionably real. Someone far too big for this little world. Someone with passion that makes us weep in our commonness.
She sees me as she see us all. Perhaps that’s why she lost interest? Perhaps. This is not something I hope to have the answer for. This is not something I can be certain in. Things like this cannot be blamed on any singularity. Things like this have already occurred, we are just reminded of that fact.
I will always love her. I will always miss her. All the while my life is written.
Published March 26th, 2007
in poem, her and self.
Strength of a titan she towers above us
Gladly traded her lips for fists and stature
Her iron heart reinforced and encased
Anger and brutality and a closed mind
Too savagely strong to show her femininity
Life her design, by her will and mind
A brute, a force an explosion of frustration
Screaming, erupting an assault upon Aphrodite
Removing all signs of herself and honesty
Not a woman, nor a girl or slave
A hollow vessel where no child can live
Fearful of her beauty or signs of frailty
Until she falls and trembles in my arms
Until her tears wipe away my myopia
Until I realize she doesn’t fight, but defends
Until a man is as strong as a woman
He will never come to understand
What it is to be her with him
Published March 26th, 2007
in poem, her, self and him.
It turns my stomach, to see you shamed
a fallen angel crawling on earth
Languidly, I continue to watch
Time slips past me far too quickly
You fall apart and bleed a path to me
I float back always moving away
Keeping from you but not disappearing
Your heaven eyes and paradise lips
Beg me, want me, need me
I want you, but don’t need you
You need me, but don’t want me
You get closer to me as I stay away
Holding you and saving you is too much
Refusing all you desire, denying you my love
Your wings molt and your skin greys
Beauty is temporary and my disgust is quiet
I beckon you tempting you with hope
You feel me once and last and forever
I dine on salty wings and miss you already
Love you, leave you, lost you
You need me, but don’t want me
I want you, but don’t need you
Published March 25th, 2007
in self and song.
This place feels so unfamiliar
And yet I know it well
I think I used to belong here
But the only way I can tell
Is that I miss you still
And I cannot find you here
You left me tattered and torn
Just like that Spanish doll
(Sweet spanish sweet spanish… doll)
I went down to the alley way
(Sierra la Bonita)
And found that you were gone
si nunca te fueras (if you never left)
You left no word no message
I still don’t know exactly what went wrong
lagrima (tear)
But now no matter where I go
I always seem to return
buscame (look for me me)
To where you left me tattered and torn
estoy rompida mi muneca (I am broken my sweet doll)
Just like that sweet spanish doll
(Sweet spanish sweet spanish…doll)
A memory guilded in red and gold
de oro (of gold)
Beauty guarded and never sold
cuidame (protect me)
I keep it with me wherever I go
And I love you still
recuerdame (remember me)
No matter how a story will unfold
You know I always will
esta conmigo (it is with me)
Have part of you here
In this souvenir
This sweet spanish doll
A stranger in this world without you
Is all that I can ever be
All I know that’s pure and clear
You left it with me here
In this souvenir
This sweet spanish doll
Published March 19th, 2007
in poem, her and self.
You have arrived to
challenge and defy me
You have managed to
drive me lustfully mad
Abrasive harsh words
forces me to rethink
what I know and believe
and ponder your intent
Pushing me to defend
my moral and ethics
moves me uncomfortably
farther from my home
You tear apart flimsy
bandages and bindings
Inspiring the ignition of
my complacent heart
With renewed motivation
I’ll fight virulently to defend
this love from those who
sling anguishing heartache
I’ll gladly accept bruises
absorb sickness and pain
show you your importance
prove my devoted adulation
Published March 19th, 2007
in poem, her and self.
Every room leads to another
I’ve entered a place I will not leave
This journey we take to the edge
forces us to depend on one other
Are we cowardly and afraid
or do we hold hands warmly
How long can we push apart
before we collapse and tumble
Please hold steady with me
accept me as I accept you
The world does not belong to us
instead we shape ourselves
The choices we make should be ours
the outside world fades and mutes
Two lives, two minds and two hearts
will conquer the pain, fear and doubt
I hold steady hoping and waiting
I hold firmly wanting and loving
Published March 19th, 2007
in poem, her and self.
What is this game we choose to play,
blindfolded, gagged and tethered hands
We dance about singing truths and,
carefully avoiding listening to the words
We love each other and stop ourselves,
by biting lips without remorse
We hold ourselves in lustful embrace,
miles apart and completely intertwined
What is this game we choose to play,
a sorrowful match that never ends
Published March 17th, 2007
in poem and her.
Reach for me
once your hands are gone
Cry in pain
without hope of release
Hide away
trembling in empty daylight
You watch me
do nothing for you
I watch you
as nothing to me
Writhe and twist
by your own doing
Crash and crumble
betrayed by your pride
Fade and be forgotten
as you slip away
Leave me be
with nothing of you
Left you alone
with nothing of me
Published March 16th, 2007
in poem.
there was a book
haphazardly assembled by
a thousand men
one woman smartly edited
the contents within
an aging, crumbling decayed
book’s pages blown apart
became the wings of a moth
that flew for seven years
blotting out the sun
and the blue sun shone
vague and uncertain
viewed like a torch
through a cellophane bag
enveloping your head
